On pooping in public bathrooms
I don’t enjoy pooping in public bathrooms. They’re filthy, disease-ridden, and rarely have the soft three-ply my delicate parts require. However, if you don’t want to defecate in the streets like an animal, you’ll occasionally find yourself in need of the traveller’s last resort.
Therefore, I’ve written this handy guide:
- The cracks in stall doors are there so perverts can watch you poop. Wear a jacket and hang it on the hook (if available) to cover the crack. If you need more privacy, take an umbrella and a blanket into the stall and you can fashion a makeshift yurt.
- You’ve befouled the public convenience and everyone in the vicinity is aware of your foul deed. What to do? Slowly emerge, shame-faced, followed by a cloud of green hate? No! Flush the toilet while simultaneously kicking open the stall door. Turn back to the toilet and scream, “Back to Hell with you, vile abomination!” This is especially effective if you can convince a priest to accompany you.
- Remember; you’re not the only one using this bathroom. Be sure to wipe down the seat. Also the walls, floor, and ceiling if necessary.
- If you’re a gentleman and find yourself in need of a roadside evacuation, look for a craft store. They have a limited male clientele and you can carve out a good two or three hours of private pooping time.
- Airport bathrooms are the Wild West of public facilities. Get in, shit on the floor, and get out.
- You might find yourself in a stall with an ineffective or missing lock. In that case, brace your legs against the door and loudly repeat, “The blood! The blood! SO MUCH BLOOD.”
- A really nice way to fuck with people is to walk out of the bathroom eating an unwrapped chocolate bar.
- Always carry hand sanitizer.