"Nah... no one's interested in that." • i am your canadian boyfriend

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“Nah… no one’s interested in that.”

When I was younger, I would occasionally smoke some hash at parties. And everytime I did, I would go silent. I would be completely engaged in what was going on around me, but no sound would leave my lips. I’d even laugh silently, body shaking, doubled over, but no sound.

People found it amusing.

In my head, my mind would be racing a million miles a minute with jokes and ideas and observations.

And after every one of these thoughts, my brain would say, “Nah… no one’s interested in that.”

And that’s why I was silent. My brain would tell me that people didn’t want to hear what I had to say. ANYTHING I had to say.

So I’d say nothing.

“Nah… no one’s interested in that.”

This thought actually runs through my head at a lower baseline most of the time.

I think my brain has compartmentalized joking around as safe. It’s not “serious”, so I don’t need to worry how people will react to it. I don’t need to worry if I will bore people. Or offend them. Or drive them away. Because I’m just goofing around.

But when I actually have serious things going on in my head, things I’m trying to work out, real ideas, real problems, they usually just sit there.

Like a book in a locked room. It might be a good book. It might be horrible. But you don’t know. Because you don’t know the book is there.