May 2011
32 posts
April 2011
28 posts
A Batman Screenplay
Scene: An alley at night, wet with rain. From behind the camera, a man runs up to a brick wall. It’s a dead-end. He turns back, cornered. He’s breathing hard. Puts his hands in front of his face.
CORNERED MAN: No… no…
From above the camera, a dark form appears. It’s BATMAN. His cape fills the screen and then sinks down as he lands in a crouch. BATMAN slowly stands,...
spoon
I was watching tv on the couch, lying on my side, when Jasper climbed up and lay down, spooning into my chest. I absentmindedly rubbed him for a few minutes. And then it hit me.
That was the first time Jasper had ever spooned my chest.
If I’m on my back he’ll fall asleep on my chest or my legs (or my crotch) or if I’m on my side he’ll go behind my knees. But he...
2 tags
1 tag
when suddenly
I sit down to type these words when suddenly the sword swings down to meet my neck when suddenly I duck and roll and leap to my feet in the forbidden Prancing Dragon pose when suddenly an armored hippopotamex on hire to the Black Council rips back the ceiling tiles and bellows my death when suddenly a Braxxian teleport screeches my bones across two galaxies to the cratered birthing ground of the...
3 tags
Marriage
I go out of town and my wife gives me a list of chores to do before I go away.
My wife goes out of town and gives me a list of chores to do while she is away.
My wife is in town and gives me chores.
3 tags
My butt hurts.
today
My dad was killed while riding his bike three years ago.
And it devastated me. And it changed me.
But I won’t let it rule me.
Today I rode my bike to work for the first time in three years.
“So… for your crabcakes, do you want the ones from the ocean or the ones...”
– @katefeetie
1 tag
“It would be so much cooler if Krav Maga was actually a form of guerrilla...”
– Me
RULES FOR TWEETUPS
DO NOT RELEASE BEES AT THE TWEETUP.
DO NOT THREATEN TO RELEASE BEES AT THE TWEETUP.
DO NOT BRAG ABOUT YOUR SWEET-ASS BEES AT THE TWEETUP, ‘CAUSE THAT’S JUST DOUCHY.
morning debrief
Wife: "I dreamt we wanted to have a baby, but we couldn't get pregnant. So we got a surrogate. She was black and when the baby came out, it was black. That meant I couldn't have been the mom so you must have had sex with her. So I pushed you out a window and killed you. Then I went to look for our cat to make certain he was okay before I went to jail. But he turned into a bug."
Me: "I dreamt I had a job as a dog cuddler. I was good at it."
I wonder if anyone ever told pirates their boots...