June 2009
74 posts
While Picking Up Supper
Wife: "Awww... look at them. They're adorable. I think they're on a date. Or they're brother and sister."
Me: "Why can't it be both?"
A Suppertime Conversation
Wife: "You put too much on my plate. I can't toss my salad."
Me: "Heh. I'll toss your salad."
Wife: "Eww. Gross."
[Pause.]
Me: "I don't actually know what that means."
[Pause.]
Wife: "Neither do I."
The Theme from Superman.
Because it makes your...
What the hell is this?! A bench? You expect me to...
4 out of 5 proctologists agree: algorithms are the...
2 tags
Why do I have a craving for muffins?
Me: [Furious multitasking.]
Wife: "Are you trying to squeeze as much as you can into your morning before the muscle relaxants kick in?"
Me: "Yes."
1 tag
My Tumblr Talent Show submission: A reading of the...
I don’t want to be under the covers because it’s hot and sticky.
My cat stared at me until I put the covers over both of us.
And now he’s sleeping on my arm and I can’t reach the remote without moving him so I’m stuck watching CSI: Miami.
I am a bigger pussy than my pussy.
"Happy Birthday, Jason Permenter"?! I hardly know...
Please excuse me. I have a lot of muscle relaxants in me right now.
“It *totally* looks like he’s giving him a BJ.”
– My Wife, upon seeing the lovely photo I just posted of our two cats cuddling together.
Dear InSoOutSo,
I showed my wife your rendition of me as Carrot Top. I have just been informed she will never sleep with me again.
Thanks a lot.
Yours Abstemiously,
Sween
Twits Illustrated 23, starring sween
jqgill:
The tears of a clown can break your heart.
The tears of a clown can also etch steel and reduce a cow to bones in 60 seconds.
—@sween
I totally forgot! I was twillustrated!
(You may begin punching me for saying “twillustrated” once I am done punching myself for saying “twillustrated”.)
Thanks, jqgill! It’s awesome!
Chunk 4: Rounding up the stragglers
zolora:
sween: It’s common knowledge you’re the funniest person on the internet. Also: you made Tiny Owl dance. I still get a little woobly thinking about it.
I thank you for your kind thoughts, but common knowledge is wrong. There are many people funnier than me on the Internet.
You can see one of them by looking in the mirror.
(That will also allow you to see see a funnier person while...
2 tags
A Conversation with my Wife
Wife: "Oh, please remind me that I have to mail something today."
Me: "What do you have to mail?"
Wife: "Oh... nothing."
Me: "C'mon! What is it?"
Wife: "Fine. It's a Fathers Day card. I was trying to be subtle and not bring up Fathers Day."
Me: "That's ok. When is Fathers Day?"
Wife: "Urrrrgh... next weekend. Which I was hoping would come and go without you knowing."
Me: "Honey, it's ok. I'm a grown-up and I can live with the fact that Fathers Days will happen. I'm fine."
Wife: "Really?"
Me: "Yes. Really."
Wife: "Ok."
[Pause.]
Wife: "Then can you mail this card for me?"
Nothing makes me feel equally as white, as Canadian, and as awesome as listening to Sloan.
My Dream
I dreamed I was listening to the radio and the DJ said, “HEY HEY HEY! And here’s the latest from Robyn Hitchcock!” and the song played and I liked it and I turned to J-Money and asked her what the best Robyn Hitchcock album to start with if the only Robyn Hitchcock you had ever heard was right now in this dream and J-Money took a big bite of beef jerky and then I woke up.
So I...
A Bug's Life is indefensible's El Guapo.
If Moon IS a rip-off of a Twilight Zone episode, I...
indefensible:
I don’t care that Lucky Number Slevin was a rip-off of Last Man Standing, which was a rip-off of For a Fist Full of Dollars which was a rip-off of Yojimbo.
I don’t care that A Bug’s Life was a rip-off of the Magnificent Seven, which in turn was a retelling of The Seven Samurai.
I don’t care that Sphere and Event Horizon are both retellings of Solaris.
I want to see Moon, because...
If you recently had, are having, or are about to...
